Things My Brother Taught Me
by Cerulean Apocalypse
Summary: Dean's taught Sam a lot of important things, including medical science, ESP, politics, denial, and affection. Here's a collection of brief moments in which Sam receives a piece of Dean Winchester's brand of wisdom. Seasons 1-9, mostly canon, oneshot.


**AN: This is my first Supernatural fanfic. It's based on "Things My Mother Taught Me", which you may have seen in places like Tumblr and Pinterest. I've included both moments from the show and moments I made up. The ones from the show have an asterisk at the end. Enjoy, and please leave a review telling me what you thought!**

**1. My brother taught me TO APPRECIATE A WOMAN. *  
"How'd you end up with her, anyway? She's totally out of your league."**

2. My brother taught me RELIGION. *  
"Sam, if you want to believe, fine, go ahead. But I can't because I've seem what and things can do to good people."

A pretty girl turned around from on front of them and suggested, "Maybe God works in mysterious ways."

Dean grinned. "Maybe. I think you just changed my views on the subject."

**4. My brother taught me LOGIC. *  
"Driver picks the music, and shotgun shuts his cake hole."**

5.. My brother taught me MORE LOGIC. *  
"I don't get it. How does Dad know that's where the demon is going to be?"

"I don't know. He just does."

**6. My brother taught me FORESIGHT-No. On second thought, Sam learned that on his own. 1 and 2*  
"I have these visions... And sometimes they come true."**

**7. My brother taught me about RECEIVING.  
When the Winchesters returned to their motel room after a hunt one day, they discovered a package on the bed, addressed to Sam. Sam picked it up and was about to open it, but Dean stopped him.**

"Wait. Check to see if there's a return address."

"No, there isn't."

Dean shook the box. A rustling sound was heard. "Hmmmm. Doesn't sound too bad, but you never know. Pass the holy water." He poured holy water onto the package. Nothing happened. "Okay... Maybe it'll react to this." He dumped a container of salt on it. The package remained normal. "Maybe iron?" He took a poker from the fireplace and poked it. Nothing. He poured Borax on it. He waved a hex bag over it. He chanted the exorcism a few times. Finally, when he was about to stab it with Ruby's knife, Sam stopped him.

"Dean, I'm pretty sure it's just a package."

"Always look a gift horse in the mouth, Sam. Maybe we should try the Colt?"

Sam gave him a disgusted look and tore the package open. Inside was a jacket and a note that read,

Sam,  
You left this at my place when you slept over. I wasn't sure where to find you, so I went back to the motel and asked them to bring it to your room if you went back. I had a great night, call me sometime!  
xoxoxo, Charlotte

Dean read the note, then raised his eyebrows at Sam. "Soooo... When'd you meet this Charlotte chick?"

**8. My brother taught me GENETICS.*  
"You're just like Dad. And I don't know if that's a good thing."**

**9. My brother taught me about ANTICIPATION.  
"I can't wait until the next Casa Erotica comes out!"**

**My brother taught me about MORTALITY. *  
"Now, who wants Chinese?" asked Dean, right before a piano landed on his head.**

"So no breakfast?" yelled Dean from the shower, as he slipped and broke his neck.

"Who's a good boy?" Dean went to pat the cute-looking puppy, who growled angrily and proceeded to eat him alive.

"Do these tacos taste funny to you?" he asked one Tuesday.

Dean watched as his brother attempted to destroy the Mystery Spot with an ax. Finally, he decided that Sam had gone insane and he should probably do something. "Sammy, that's enough. Give me the ax."  
"No!"  
"Sammy! Give it!"  
"No!"  
THWACK  
"Dean?!"

**10. My brother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. *  
1973:  
Dean watched the beautiful blonde woman walk away, and couldn't help the grin that spread across is face. "Sammy, wherever you are: Mom was a babe."**

1978:  
Sam stared in shock at the mother he had never known.

Mary Winchester looked at the two men standing in the doorway, noticing that the taller of the two looked nervous. "Are you all right?" she asked gently.

"I'm sorry, it's just... You're so beautiful."

The other one cleared his throat. "He means that in a family, non-creepy way, of course."

**11. My brother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.  
"Hold still while I pop your arm back into the socket. It's probably going to hurt like a bitch."**

**12. My brother taught me about CREATIVITY. *  
"NOOOO! PLEASE NO! I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING!" screamed the demon.**

"Good, 'cause I was almost running out of ideas," snapped Dean, putting the knife down. He picked up what looked like an eyelash curler. "But not quite. I'm pretty sure you're lying, so I think I'll rip your eyelids off, and then we'll see."

"Dean, come on. I think you've gone far enough," insisted Sam.

"What are you talking about? I was just being creative."

**13. My brother taught me to JUST SAY NO.  
Except for the noise of the engine, there was a dead silence as the Impala sped through the night down some forgotten, empty highway.**

"So when were you going to tell me about this?" asked Dean. To another person, his tone might have sounded conversational, like he was asking a random question. But Sam knew his brother well enough to hear the notes of anger, disappointment, and sheer exhaustion.

He answered carefully, "I wasn't going to. Because I knew you'd react this way."

"Damn right, I would. Drinking demon blood again, Sam? That's worse than crack for you! How the hell could you ever think that could possibly turn out okay?!"

"I had to, Dean-"

"Why, Sam? Because you couldn't just say no?"

**14. My brother taught me about STAMINA.  
"Dean, I can't believe you just sat through six hours of Dr. Sexy MD."**

Dean sighed in a long-suffering way. "Well, pretending to be a fan was the only excuse I could think of for sitting with those women long enough to save them from the poltergeist. I had to do it, Sam."

"Still," sympathized Sam, "It must have been horrible. How did you watch that without gouging your eyes out?"

"Well, Sammy, sometimes you've just gotta do what you gotta do," replied Dean with an air of manly self-sacrifice.

"Yeah," said Sam. "Hey, what are you looking at on the laptop?"

Dean hastily closed the Dr. Sexy MD Fan Discussion Forum he'd been browsing. "Nothing."

**15. My brother taught me ESP.  
"See that girl over there?" asked Dean. He was looking at an exotic looking brunette.**

"Yeah, what about her?" replied Sam.

"She's wearing a black thong."

Sam gave him a look, then pointed out another girl, a giggling blonde. "What about that one?"

"Purple bikini."

"And that one?" challenged Sam, pointing out an attractive-in-a-nerdy-schoolgirl-way girl with curly hair.

Dean smirked. "Red lace."

Sam sighed. "You don't know that, Dean."

"Oh really?" asked Dean. He got up and walked over to the nerdy chick, flashed a smile and said, "Red lace, right?"

She slapped him and walked away.

Dean returned to the table. "I told you, Sammy, you're not the only psychic in the family. I have ESP about ladies' underwear."

**16. My brother taught me WISDOM. *  
"Sam, when you're my age, you'll understand," said Dean wisely.**

Sam scoffed. "Dean, you're 30. Just because that warlock's spell made you look 70, it doesn't mean you've suddenly acquired wisdom."

"Dude, shut up and get me my walking stick."

**17. My brother taught me HOW TO BE A MAN. *  
"I always just thought of you as my little brother, but we both know that's not you anymore. You're a grown-well, overgrown-man now. And I trust you."**

**18. My brother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.  
"Well, this worked out great," muttered Sam sarcastically. He and Dean were tied to a tree as an angry shapeshifter ranted to them about all the grief the Winchester-Campbell clan had given him in the past.**

"First, your grandfather Samuel set my second cousin Brody on fire. And your mother and grandmother fed my sister-in-law's head to sharks. Your cousin Gwen Campbell pushed my grandma off a cliff. And I found out that the guy who ran over my Uncle Remy with a minivan was your half-brother Adam. Then, your father hooked up with my sister Jenny and never called her back! What the hell do you call that?"

Dean grinned. "It's the circle of life," he shot back, somehow free of the ropes. He brandished a silver knife. "And it's about to be completed."

**19. My brother taught me IRONY.  
"Cas and Meg are hooking up. That's... I don't even know what to call that."**

Sam thought for a minute. "Megstiel?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of 'bizarre' or 'abnormal' or 'unnatural', but I guess that about sums it up."

**20. My brother taught me about STRATEGY.  
"So, repeat the plan to me," ordered Dean.**

Sam rolled his eyes. "Dean, the Leviathans are expecting an attack. Why are we doing this now? Shouldn't we wait?"

"Are you kidding?" asked Dean incredulously. "Dude, the Leviathans are ancient. No matter what we do, they'll be prepared for it. We can't strike later. Who knows where Dick could sneak off to? After this, they'll be even more powerful. But still, they've got a pretty strong position now, so it would be incredibly stupid to attack."

"But we're attacking now," pointed out Sam.

"Exactly. The thing is, they're used to fighting opponents like them, ones who like to make everything as complicated as possible. So we'll try the blunt approach. Straight through the front door, loud and obnoxious. It's the only thing they won't expect."

"Oh."

"Get it? Good. Now go get some sleep. I still have one last thing to do."

"See you in the morning, then," said Sam finally. As Dean took his coat and walked out the door, Sam watched him go, thinking that he didn't give his brother nearly enough credit at times.

**21. My brother taught me about POLITICS.  
Dean walked into the motel room one night and found Sam watching TV. Two men in fancy suits were yelling at each other about healthcare while a crowd of people watched.**

"What the hell are you watching?"

"It's a debate on the subject of universal healthcare."

"Oh. Flip over to channel seven, I think The Fast and The Furious is on."

Sam sighed exasperatedly. "Dean, this is actually important. Millions of people could be affected by this."

"Sam, as long as it doesn't mean we have to get new fake insurance cards, I don't really care."

"But what about everyone else, Dean?"

"Dude, it's not like we can do anything. We're technically supposed to be dead, so we can't even vote."

"But-"

"Look, as far as I'm concerned, we do a lot more to help people than a bunch of self-serving idiots in suits. Now go over to channel seven."

**22. My brother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.  
"So, curing a demon... How does that work? Does the demon just lose its powers and get stuck in its meatsuit?" wondered Dean.**

"No, it supposedly remembers it's human life and regains emotions," explained Sam, who was flipping through an old and dusty book, trying to find out more.

"I wish we could do that to every monster," muttered Dean. The. He grinned. "Hey, Sammy, imagine if we were fighting a wendigo or something, and we were just like, 'Sit! Stand! Roll over!' and it did that."

"That's stupid, Dean," said Sam, trying to ignore his brother.

"Or maybe if we were against a Siren, and we told it to-"

"Shut up, Dean."

**23. My brother taught me about HYPOCRISY. *  
"Dean, if you were in my place, wouldn't you want to die too?"**

"If it was me, would you let me die?"

**24. My brother taught me HUMOUR.  
The Winchesters watched as Abbadon tried to strangle Crowley. Crowley retaliated by biting her hand. Abbadon shrieked and punched him. Crowley attempted to tackle her. The two demons rolled across the floor, each trying and failing to gain the upper hand. Dean seemed to find this funny.**

"Why are you laughing?" asked Sam.

"Because someone is getting their ass kicked, and for once it's not us or anyone we like."

**25. And my favourite: my brother taught me to SHOW AFFECTION.*  
"Bitch."**

"Jerk."


End file.
